Fear itself will know fear. [entries|friends|calendar] Commander Crack [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(4 Rising Rebel Republics |Resistance is Futile) Boom or Bust? [05 May 2008|01:06am] [ music | Another Night ] Reading Ender's Game for the first time. Writing a story about a place (?) called Psi Cluster, where people dream of our world and write their own physics. I've learned to write more carefully, considering which words are useless. "a bit", "to a certain extent", "sometimes", "something", "very", "really", just to name a few. I still use them sometimes. That last pun was accidental at first. I watch my friends play music and think they are geniuses, talented with something I might have mastered had I only been raised differently, not missed my chance. That's my greatest fear right now - that I missed my chance to become a genius. I don't believe that I have met many who are objectively just smarter than I am. I have met too many who are more effectual and confident than I am, and even when I have the answer, I don't always speak up. I envy the punks, the pianists, the artists and the mathematicians. I can't help but feel that theater people are better at people, that I'm not really meant to be a mathematician either. I feel that anxiety holds me back and makes me play with one hand. Repression prevents me from tapping into my true strength. I jump away before I'm in long enough to know whether I'm good. This is not meant to be an angsty post. It was intended to be hopeful. Really.

(1 Rising Rebel Republic |Resistance is Futile) 120% Pure Awesome [19 Apr 2008|01:35am] [ music | Dan Deacon ] 1) Dan Deacon. At Swarthmore. The music was awesome. There was a dance-off, and I think (though it was hard to hear) that I won. Then we formed a line of arches of people, which moved out the back of old club and looped around to the front. Dan Deacon played an instrument that appeared to be powered by a multicolored switchboard taped together, with a flashing, green skull above it. I met him afterward (handshake). 2) I am learning another capoeira/breakdance position, and it is awesome. 3) Quantum physics, computer hacking and all else that is perennially awesome. P.S. Stage Combat

(2 Rising Rebel Republics |Resistance is Futile) Ubuntu, Housing and Swarthmore [18 Apr 2008|01:15am] [ music | The Go! Team - Milk Crisis ] Danton, my primary laptop, is now running the Hardy Heron in beta. I finally threw in the towel and downgraded to 32 bits, which means that I can now run flash in full screen mode and play myspace music but have to settle for EAX where I once had RAX. Also, no more fancy compile flags for specifying platform. There are definitely improvements in the new version, including a far superior Firefox 3, an IDE for Ocaml in the repos, and a much clearer GUI. It actually feels polished, like a Mac. One of the most interesting features is that large file copies and package management are designed to run in the background, with an icon in the status bar and good progress dialogs. I also managed, though this is probably unrelated to version, to get printer support working for the dorm printers. As for housing, I'm blocked with Erik, Eric and Erin for the ML quad. Summer looks like it may actually have worked out, but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. I've been thinking recently that one of my problems might be getting too fixated on college. Given that I'm halfway through, I should be thinking about preparing for the outcome. Swat tends to have many alumni who hang around afterward, but I have too many plans to give any extra years to this place.

(5 Rising Rebel Republics |Resistance is Futile) Housing [16 Apr 2008|07:42pm] So, as far as housing is concerned, summer is on a prayer that no one decides to pick into my room (the smallest double on Parrish 3rd). Please tell everyone that I smell. As for the rest of the year, I have been offered a chance to block with Eric, Erin, Erik, and unofficially Beth. It's for ML 3d, the rooms with the tea pantry and lounge, currently occupied by Jeff, Alex, Laurie, etc. I would get Alex's current room, which, although smaller than the rest, is clearly not horrible. I'm still considering this blocking plan. Of course, it hinges entirely on whether I will be able to avoid a penalty on my senior year lotto #.

(1 Rising Rebel Republic |Resistance is Futile) Inclinations and Directionality [14 Apr 2008|12:34am] [ music | Franz Ferdinand ] Events are aplenty, but they are not quite coming into focus. Quantum physics class has been going downhill; the textbook has gone from sometimes confusing to generally nonsensical (wtf is photon gas?), and the subject matter is now pushing into the territory of applying what seemingly meager understanding of the theory we have. Yesterday I danced all day and night. Capoeira under the sun. Then contra for the evening. Then breakdancing as witching hour neared; the first time I've actually had a significant crowd form around me. I'm not very good at it, and I have about 2 moves, maybe 3. Some friends of mine are forming a writing group, and I've tentatively joined, under the understanding that I'm not really a writer and not particularly well-read. I still have story ideas - rather complex notions of plot, emotion and humor - but still cannot eloquently express them in story. I seem to have some sort of structural intuition, like I can feel/see/hear how things work and happen, but then I can't always translate them - not that I mind this too much, since it's very useful in computer science especially. Last week, I was considering Buddhist notions of emotion and thought. Such things intrigue me, because they address some of my major concerns. For example, the cold eye, freedom from the constant need to judge and evaluate everything one sees. I don't exactly have a sense of focus now. I want to be brilliant, charismatic and maybe most of all safe. I don't feel like sleeping, so maybe I'll write, read or code.

(1 Rising Rebel Republic |Resistance is Futile) More Stuff in Life [04 Apr 2008|12:01am] I've been watching Full Metal Panic and am finally starting to get hooked. It takes some getting used to, because the dialog/plot isn't exactly awesome in the same way as Code Geass - it works better with recognition that FMP is more like a parody mech anime. The beauty and the problem with things like this is that their world is based on different dimensions of difficulty. On the one hand, these action-anime worlds are full of near-death encounters and immediate crises. On the other hand, characters are capable of heroic acts, unrealistic stunts of awesomeness and comically happy resolutions to personal feelings. So basically, while I'm not worried about sudden death by robots, I can't shake the feeling that I am so much lamer than these people. My worst fear is that I'll sit around being a non-heroic, non-awesome loser for about 80 years and then croak from heart disease. Now I see the scientists, even the ones without giant robots, as heroic in their own way. But my worry isn't that I won't become a scientist, it's that I won't become a great one. I worry that I'll just end up like everybody else - silly and futile in life, dead and forgotten afterwards. And I could go on for another 10 pages about why humans are silly and futile so often, but that's for later. Actually, I'm writing a story about that.

(Resistance is Futile) Miles to Go [30 Mar 2008|02:21am] [ mood | ow... not all in a bad way ] [ music | Radiohead - Optimistic ] Firstly, contra used to give me problems, because there is a definite preference for one direction of rotation. Probably as a holdover from my OCD, this seems to manifest physically (mostly in my vision imbalance). I was able to correct this today by spinning the opposite direction at any opportunity, but it is interesting to note how strongly this still affects me. Sometimes I wonder how much of my lack of visual capacity is psychological. Jealousy, wrath, an inability to let go. Things that I can sometimes load as fuel, sometimes overcome. I used to have so much trouble with this, but it's getting better. Debauchery, lechery, celebration. It was interesting for a while, but by 1:00AM, the party turned into an ugly, smelly guilt trip. Contra dancing was different. More skill, less knowledge. More social, less intimate. No sex, no guilt. So is Bryn Mawr. Maybe it's the best of both worlds, but it's still quite possible to have a lame-ass night - just not at birthdays, apparently. Sometimes I think that I lack the tenacity to carry things through, and this is what screws me. Coming back from Sager, I contemplated my situation. I can't make up my mind, and I wonder if that makes me a bad lover. In a way, it's almost comforting that I have such a long journey ahead of me. It is a big maybe, a maybe of greatness. I worry, though, that in my efforts to keep the big maybe alive, I am holding myself back from ever achieving. And every day that I hold back, I miss another set of opportunities.

(Resistance is Futile) Productivity Burns [27 Mar 2008|11:31pm] Efforts to eliminate waste. Rampages through diffeq. Finishing the week's homework by the end of Tuesday night. I decided this was the week to try these things, and it was almost fun at times. I got pretty burned out, though, and I'm dreading all of the things I've signed up to do this weekend. Maybe I'll skip LAX again. Yes, it's the one thing that Swarthmore has about exactly what I want to do. On the other hand, the schedule looks watered down with political correctness. I don't know why, but I get depressed and lonely right after I finish a large amount of work. This is lame, because I have an equally large amount of work to finish before Tuesday. Guess I should get on that now.

(Resistance is Futile) Regaining Control [18 Mar 2008|11:14pm] [ mood | geeky ] [ music | Barenaked Ladies - One Week ] Currently, I strive to obtain some sort of balance, calm, centering and neutrality. Over the past few days, I've been accepted to 2 research positions and am having a hell of a time deciding between them. My best efforts have been to avoid stressing excessively over the decision, because I know that this leads to nothing helpful. In terms of more obvious elements of schoolwork, I was rather glad to have gotten somewhat ahead over break. I sincerely hope that I can keep it this way. Being too far in the thick of it makes it so hard to see things holistically. The really good news today is that I got another perfect score, this time on the physics 50 midterm. Phew.

(Resistance is Futile) Back in the Game [18 Mar 2008|12:07am] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Justice - BEAT ] Angry. Nervous. Lonely. Unsure. Insane. Distracted. Pressured. This is how I often feel at Swarthmore, despite my best efforts to otherwise. Sometimes, it's like there's a nervous or aggressive energy inhabiting my being that I just can't get rid of. Sometimes I get myself into situations and positions that should never exist, and then I can't get my mind out of them afterwards. Sometimes, I wish that I could separate my friends into the people who I like hanging out with and those who mean well but drive me to insanity. Yes, that's it. Some of my friends drive me insane. I know they don't mean to. They try to be helpful. If I could accept them as opponents, it would be reasonable, but I can't. And so there's an inconsistency when I feel that I am somehow allowing myself to be defeated by people I was never fighting. And then there's work. It gets on top of me somehow. I can't let it if I really want this semester to be any fun at all. And yet I manage to lose efficiency. I know the answer to this. Don't get sucked in. Detach, then focus energy. Don't get sucked in. I still can't remember that. Maybe I need a cue. Like some kind of action I use to represent centering and neutrality, to remind myself, like a hook to pull myself out of a mental whirlpool. I think it's like an actor trying to regain center - become like still water again.

(Resistance is Futile) Changes [15 Mar 2008|09:01pm] [ music | Metric - Dead Disco ] Firstly, I've been offered 2 research positions for the summer. The first is with Peter Collings, my advisor and professor at Swarthmore, doing liquid crystal and aggregation research. The second is with Tom Little at Boston University, related to wireless networking. On one hand, Tom Little is much better connected with the technological industry and startups (which I want in on). On the other hand, I may play a greater role in Collings's research and have a better shot at publication. Anyone got advice about this? Secondly, I've started a new blog on Wordpress. The reason is that LiveJournal is generally a rather personal, sometimes political blog medium. What I've started is more about concepts and opinions, especially (but not exclusively) in technology. Thirdly, I want to try something with music. This is made more difficult by my preference for experimental /indie /alternative /new wave /electronic, and away from most classics. So I'm thinking guitar, bass or synth. Of course I probably won't have time for this until the summer.

(Resistance is Futile) March On [01 Mar 2008|02:18pm] The disease appears to have become much less severe as compared to Thursday - I am almost no longer sick. It seems one of three hopes is starting to slowly come true. Spring is nearly here. Now I just need to do well on physics 50 and reach spring break. It's really weird to be halfway through the semester. I thought that I was outpacing time for a while. Well, whatever, I've still done more than I did the last time through.

(1 Rising Rebel Republic |Resistance is Futile) Physical Status [28 Feb 2008|10:47pm] Remember all those weird symptoms I talked about in my last entry? Well, it appears to be a case of the Garnet Death aka Swarthmore flu. I will probably be unavailable for the next few days. Also, due to several vitamins and minerals which I have decided to take in copious amounts, my immune system should theoretically be in "kill everything" mode. It's probably pretty effective, assuming it doesn't kill me too.

(2 Rising Rebel Republics |Resistance is Futile) Status [27 Feb 2008|10:15pm] [ mood | anxious ] For reasons I do not understand, my head often hurts, I become exhausted unless I have had more than enough sleep, I am almost constantly hungry, and I feel fat but cannot manage to work out effectively as often as I should. I also suffer from far more worry and insecurity than normal, mostly about my ability to do physics. I have a week to prepare for my physics 50 midterm. If that goes well, I think I'll make it in general. I really need spring break, and I really need the weather to become warmer. I've had a bit of positive news this week: I scored perfectly on the first cs37 exam. One week to prepare for the first big test. Contra dance on Friday. The hardest part of this week is already over. When I think about it this way, it doesn't seem nearly so bad.

(Resistance is Futile) Don't Panic [26 Feb 2008|11:19pm] I need to remind myself to stop worrying and panicking all the time, because I will find a way to work things out, and even if I don't, it won't help to freak out first. Life is interesting, at least. I should be really happy about it, but I'm not. Maybe I'm too worried.

(Resistance is Futile) May the Madness Continue [24 Feb 2008|02:09am] Despite being a logistical nightmare, screw went about as well as I could reasonably have expected. I played Elan from Order of the Stick (webcomic), and my date was my brother, Nale (I sense no creepiness here). I even obtained a worshiper for Banjo the clown, God of puppets. Anyway, my date was a Bryn Mawr math/cs person, so that was cool. Now I must face the first physics 50 problem set which I've actually little to no idea how to attack. It involves calculating the interference for various situations, some of which have varying refraction indexes in the form of glass or soap films. Of those that I feel I do understand, I just realized that the answer cannot be a raw cosine wave, because intensity cannot be negative. Possibly, this is because of my forgetting to square things. It's late, and I'll be asleep soon. Granted, I'm sort of feeling crappy about this, because my passion for coding has just come back. But health must come first.

(Resistance is Futile) Newest Developments [19 Feb 2008|10:44pm] 1) I have a screw date again. For my costume, I need to find a blue cape or cloak (wearable blanket will suffice), and a green shirt or t-shirt. 2) I feel strange. I feel like I need to work out, but then it's more difficult than normal. I am ravenous, and then I feel sick of food. 3) Looks like I'm self-sabotaging again, running at far less than full capacity. Time to figure out how and why.

(1 Rising Rebel Republic |Resistance is Futile) Life Today [18 Feb 2008|01:09am] [ music | Weezer ] 1) I want to be a genius so badly, it's driving me crazy. 2) Stuff happened. 3) Praying that I can make Fourier/Laplace transforms my bitch. 4) Need sleep, but feel like rock music. 5) I didn't lose my pencil case, but I don't know what happened to my white shirt.

(1 Rising Rebel Republic |Resistance is Futile) Burned? [16 Feb 2008|02:01am] [ music | ratatat - tropicana ] Valentine's day was drama hell, but I appear to have actually made it to a research position in Peter Collings's liquid crystal lab, after waking up about 10 minutes into John's class. Furthermore, I no longer hate Matlab or feel pangs of longing for C in 50 lab. So good day? Maybe. I can't shake the feeling that I'm using my abilities to very low efficiency and could do so much more. So I'm currently still single, but this is apparently not widely known. It seems there is a price to pay for allowing the rumor mill to churn so strongly. I think we're going to write and film a romantic comedy. She says I write like a cross between fight club and Woody Allen. I didn't think I could write that well. Today I saw this text describing a "Fight Club" Facebook app: "Choose your warrior, train them up, take on your opponents, and become the ultimate fighting champion!" This is really an insult to the movie. Today, I made my first real, public attempt at breakdancing. I thought I sucked, but apparently the people watching didn't. I decided to do a "hacker dance" involving a wireshark sniff of an nmap scan in the background, while I performed my six-steps, miniswipes and capoeira kicks to Ratatat. Ratatat is my favorite band right now. I think I'm obsessed. They just create such awesome remixes. I posted one in my last entry, so here's another:

(2 Rising Rebel Republics |Resistance is Futile) Supervillains [13 Feb 2008|10:53pm] I hate tomorrow. The day when all the annoying couples make their publicity stunt. But I love tomorrow, need tomorrow, because it's something I can hate without fear. Still, I feel like God is fucking with me from above, except that he does so by depriving me of such. It's not like it was in the old days, when I'd go months with no sign of change or opportunity. I've basically managed to narrowly avoid any serious romance, sometimes purposefully but often accidentally. I'd like to write a romantic comedy based on it, because this is more sadly hilarious than any fiction I could have come up with on the subject. Apart from cruel romantic jokes, it would seem that Swarthmore just doesn't love me. Whatever, college is boot camp for the soul. I just can't shake the feeling that something is seriously wrong. Like everything I'm doing is climbing the wrong mountain.

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