Boom or Bust?
Reading Ender's Game for the first time. Writing a story about a place (?) called Psi Cluster, where people dream of our world and write their own physics. I've learned to write more carefully, considering which words are useless. "a bit", "to a certain extent", "sometimes", "something", "very", "really", just to name a few. I still use them sometimes. That last pun was accidental at first.
I watch my friends play music and think they are geniuses, talented with something I might have mastered had I only been raised differently, not missed my chance. That's my greatest fear right now - that I missed my chance to become a genius.
I don't believe that I have met many who are objectively just smarter than I am. I have met too many who are more effectual and confident than I am, and even when I have the answer, I don't always speak up.
I envy the punks, the pianists, the artists and the mathematicians. I can't help but feel that theater people are better at people, that I'm not really meant to be a mathematician either.
I feel that anxiety holds me back and makes me play with one hand. Repression prevents me from tapping into my true strength. I jump away before I'm in long enough to know whether I'm good.
This is not meant to be an angsty post. It was intended to be hopeful. Really.
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13th_einherjar) wrote,
