| Back in the Game |
[18 Mar 2008|12:07am] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Justice - BEAT |
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Angry. Nervous. Lonely. Unsure. Insane. Distracted. Pressured.
This is how I often feel at Swarthmore, despite my best efforts to otherwise. Sometimes, it's like there's a nervous or aggressive energy inhabiting my being that I just can't get rid of. Sometimes I get myself into situations and positions that should never exist, and then I can't get my mind out of them afterwards. Sometimes, I wish that I could separate my friends into the people who I like hanging out with and those who mean well but drive me to insanity.
Yes, that's it. Some of my friends drive me insane. I know they don't mean to. They try to be helpful. If I could accept them as opponents, it would be reasonable, but I can't. And so there's an inconsistency when I feel that I am somehow allowing myself to be defeated by people I was never fighting.
And then there's work. It gets on top of me somehow. I can't let it if I really want this semester to be any fun at all. And yet I manage to lose efficiency.
I know the answer to this. Don't get sucked in. Detach, then focus energy. Don't get sucked in. I still can't remember that.
Maybe I need a cue. Like some kind of action I use to represent centering and neutrality, to remind myself, like a hook to pull myself out of a mental whirlpool. I think it's like an actor trying to regain center - become like still water again.
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| Regaining Control |
[18 Mar 2008|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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music |
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Barenaked Ladies - One Week |
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Currently, I strive to obtain some sort of balance, calm, centering and neutrality. Over the past few days, I've been accepted to 2 research positions and am having a hell of a time deciding between them. My best efforts have been to avoid stressing excessively over the decision, because I know that this leads to nothing helpful.
In terms of more obvious elements of schoolwork, I was rather glad to have gotten somewhat ahead over break. I sincerely hope that I can keep it this way. Being too far in the thick of it makes it so hard to see things holistically.
The really good news today is that I got another perfect score, this time on the physics 50 midterm. Phew.
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