Fear itself will know fear.

Possible End to This

2008-06-14T20:28:44Z

Because I don't think there is anything left of this but to waste time...

I am trying an experiment. I am going to stop checking LiveJournal and Facebook for some amount of time - anywhere between 2 weeks and 2 months.

Anything I record will be in a personal journal, on my own computer, encrypted, and for my records only.

Maybe I will be back, but I'm not sure.

Feel free to IM me, use email etc.

Thoughts on Freedom

2008-06-14T02:25:11Z

When there is nothing to oppress us, we find ways to oppress ourselves. It seems to be the natural state of the human condition to avoid being free. Built into our instincts is the urge to enslave ourselves to something, even as we work tirelessly to overcome those who would become our masters forcefully.

Most of us, I believe, are slaves to our most base animal instincts. We strive to reproduce and put our children in the best position to continue the cycle. Most people center their lives around kids. Not all, but most. But why? Might it be the simple, natural instinct to continue our genetics?

Others choose God. Again, someone to serve. And someone from whom we demand in return, just as we so often demand too much of children.

Then there is the capitalist system. We work every day, for a company, some of us glad merely to have the continual paycheck on which we can live. But what are we living for - is it just to survive until the next day of work, when we can repeat this cycle until death?

I know that I cannot free myself from my parents. Even when they know nothing of what I am doing, I still act as if they are listening to my thoughts and criticizing. I cannot easily run over my past mistakes to look for improvement, because I can feel the harsh voices of judgment. I would like to free myself with Buddhism - to see it with a cold eye, and simply embrace, mistakes as well as triumphs.

I can't help feeling that there is a better way. As soon as we can get our parents, the government, even God off our backs, we find something else to make our puppeteer.

But is none of us ever the master? Are we all puppets, driven by the social construct, the invisible hand, the collective consciousness, the course of nature?

More Notes From Summer

2008-06-03T02:14:08Z

I won at cooking today, I think! First, I finally got the cheese for macaroni and cheese to become cheese, and not just cheese-water. Still not very good, but better than before. Then I cooked chicken. I got a 1/2 lb chicken breast and tried to saute it. This failed at first, and I realized that the chicken was cooking less than a cm in. So I cut it into strips, added some extra chili powder, and finally managed to get it brown on the outside, white on the inside. Threw the strips in some Arugula and carrots, sprinkled it with pepper, and enjoyed my first attempt. It was quite good; much better than most of what I'd been eating previously.

Cooking has been somewhat expensive, given the Coop's prices and my stringent health requirements and overdrive metabolism. I figure, though, that I hardly spent anything during the last two school years, don't smoke, don't drink, and basically avoid every other waste of money. So if I pay too much for food, so be it. I'll count it against all the cash I saved by pwning the textbook system last semester.

I feel ambivalent towards research. On one hand, it's something new, and maybe I'll even discover something new. On the other hand, I could be programming now, and it would be a lot easier and at least initially much more fun. Then there's the fact that people are paying me to learn about an interesting topic in physics and do a few labs, which is something I have to appreciate. My main problem with working is when it breaks you down, and here I'm getting money to improve my capabilities.

Then there's Gentoo, my current home project. I can finally count myself as one of those computer kids who recompiles his kernel every few days. I recently discovered the importance of DMA, a technology that allows the system to not experience massive lag when using the network or hard drive.

Senior friends left. Other friends are returning. We'll see how this summer thing works out in the end.

Some People Fold Laundry

2008-06-02T03:18:59Z

Everyone has their obsessions. Some people choose Warcraft, others sex, or tv shows. Hobbies too, as I believe them to be a more modest form of the obsession. Some make chain mail, because they find it relaxing to work with; others build models or collect something. I was once a collector, first of Pokemon cards, then of Magic cards. I gave that up a long time ago, though. Then some people do things that most of us would consider a chore - some people clean, and some people fold laundry.

Mine are different, because I have somehow convinced myself to become obsessed with things that might later become useful. I could not get above the 40s in Warcraft; I spent too much time coding. I don't like to watch tv show idols, because they only remind me of what I haven't done. Same with just about any type of famous person - why would I be so dedicated to watching someone else's life when I have my own to live?

Instead, I obsess over Linux, over programming, over hacking, over quantum physics. Over things that I think could actually change my life. I don't consider myself an addictive personality, but an obsessive one. Addiction implies a compulsion, something I try hard to avoid, while obsession can come from true passion. I guess I am obsessed with life, with growing, with remaking myself and influencing others. Or maybe it's an addiction.

Some people fold laundry. When I strike it rich in tech, I'll have the robot butler do that.

13th_einherjar @ 2008-06-01T18:14:00

2008-06-01T22:30:21Z

One of my earlier posts, about how I thought I did this semester, turned out to be dead wrong. I did perfectly. It just felt like I was burned out, and I thought I failed a test, but I didn't. Still, it's a warning sign when I am that exhausted and unhappy.

I think what I realized about not having enough time still holds. It sucks to have to focus on school to the extent to which it precludes reading novels or having time to make any major headway on programming projects. This leaves the question of next semester, because right now, I'm set up to take real analysis, modern algebra II, analytical mechanics, and electrodynamics. 4 killer classes.

In other news, I have identified and corrected for the primary sources of fail in my Gentoo install: a failure to properly detect the HD, blocking DMA, and attempting to unload the nvidia drivers on suspend. So now it is extremely fast and usable

Why I support Obama

2008-05-31T21:51:58Z

Why I support Obama,

Partially in response to Alex's post.

I, too, think that McCain would be destructive to the United States in the long term. I agree that continuing to insist on a policy to moral black-and-white will doubtlessly fail.

I also believe that such a belief structure is a way of hiding from the truth, of oversimplifying the problem. It is comparatively easy to think of the conflict as a clear case of US vs. them, of good vs. evil. It means that there is a clear path forward, and frees us from all the complicated thinking that comes from a moral gray zone. It gives us a clear right choice, with no cognitive dissonance.

But the truth, I think, is far more difficult, and more hopeful. Behind every bad government, there is history, there are reasons, and there are people who honestly think that they are doing the best they can. There is plenty of desperation and anger, and old sins of the US and our allies that come back to haunt us today. Our current administration continues to believe that we can simply bomb out the bad, and I worry that McCain will take the same policy. But I think that this is far from the only option, and not the best. For example, we can use that the Iranian people do not totally and inherently hate the American people.

I have come to like Clinton less as time has gone on, and I have never used the word "bitch" to explain my dislike. Firstly, I am inherently distrustful of political families, and I believe that it is inappropriate and deeply wrong to think of Hillary Clinton as an extension of Bill Clinton. To the extent to which her platform is a continuation of her husband's, one can fairly bring up the relative success of the 90s, but I refuse to consider her as an extension of her husband. I find it mildly disconcerting how much she relies on him for her campaign.

Second, I think that we actually require something new. The extent to which Clinton is more experienced, and the extent to which she may piggy-back off Bill's, falls closer to flat when I consider the multitude of political connections the Clintons have built up with people I don't like. Obama is inexperienced, but he's also brilliant, so I trust him to surround himself with experienced advisors.

And then there's her attempt to appeal to what Bill Maher calls the "Nascar" crowd. Her tough talk on Iran, her support for controls on adult-rated video games. No matter what she does, the conservatives are going to vote for McCain. And she is going to lose the democrats' big advantage - people are sick of it. It is finally apparent to most of our country that our current policy sucks. If she tries to aim for center, she will get painted as a liberal anyway, and probably come off the way Kerry did when he said "I voted for it before I voted against it", referring to Iraq war funding. I don't like her "moderate" talk, and I don't think it's going to work as a political tactic either.

Finally, I think that she shoots herself in the foot sometimes. When her little JFK jab came out, the media went wild. Luckily for her, Obama brushed it off as accidental. But McCain won't. This isn't the first time she's said something politically stupid. She insulted a few states early, when she thought she'd win well before they held their primaries. A lot of people say that Hillary has a better chance of winning than Obama, but I wonder what kind of ammunition she'll give the republicans.

And then, on the other side, there is hope that I have. Hope that Obama will actually modify some things. That Obama could possibly win, and that a lot of policies would change. For one, Obama plans to open up the government. Another is his stance on negotiations - I strongly agree that not talking to many foreign leaders is counter-productive. He's not perfect. But he's the best I've seen in a while.

13th_einherjar @ 2008-05-31T11:48:00

2008-05-31T16:04:40Z

Over the last couple days, I thought that I was having some trouble getting maintenance to help free a trapped kitten. Turns out I have probably blown the cover on a nest of them. Now it's out of my hands; animal control will probably take them away. I don't know whether I rescued them from the basement or fucked everything up.

In better news, I found out my grades, and they are optimal. I have identified and removed the major source of massive lag in my Gentoo system, so it's quite snappy now. I then managed to get suspend-to-ram working from the command line, the the gnome buttons still won't do it. So my system is now at a place where it at least rivals, possibly beats my Ubuntu system. I installed wine, but winecfg crashes when I try to configure audio. No huge deal. I need to get alsa mixing up or something anyway - currently, things can get under pulseaudio and lock the sound.

I have some software in slight pre-alpha. It's a collection of Linux scripts and a daemon for autosorting files, sort of like OS X's hazel, but trading away the user interface for massive 1337 hack support. 100% python, 100% plugin, and nice/ionice background priority. This has no relation to my other, C-based file backend, which is still in pre-alpha and has some algorithmics to work out.

As for cooking, I have still not burned anything, though my skill at actually producing remains low. I don't know why I can't mix macaroni cheese.

More About Linux and Food

2008-05-28T23:01:37Z

Thanks to the generosity of Michael, I now own the necessary utensils to beging attempting to cook. I still am not very good. Last night and lunch were chili and soup. Tonight was macaroni and cheese (the organic, hippy kind NOT easymac). I can boil water, but I seem to fail at cheese. It appears that "add lowfat milk" does not mean "add 2% milk", because the cheese turned into cheese-water.

As for Linux, gentoo is running with alsa, compiz-fusion and Firefox 3 rc1. Open Office is installed, but from the portage binary package, which results in it not matching the rest of my computer and being rather crummy in general. There is major lag coming from somewhere, but I'm not sure where.

I am temporarily on the side of the room opposite the spider and window. I kind of want the spider there, because my window has no screen, and I am hoping that a web nearby will at least limit the incoming flux of flying insects. On the other hand, I have no idea what kind of spider it is. Anyone know if anything highly poisonous lives around Swarthmore? Ideally, I'll soon get rid of the insect problem, and then relocate the spider to somewhere less man-made.

Spider

2008-05-28T05:28:17Z

A spider has taken up residence well above where the head of my bed normally would be.

Should I:

A) Get rid of the spider (as humanely as I can).

B) Move the bed out of the way, as to avoid direct contact with anything that drops from the spider web.

C) Pretend it's not there.

Gentoo

2008-05-26T21:39:19Z

Gentoo Linux is up and running, from a stage 3 install. This means that I am currently on the release candidate of Firefox, running from gnome-light, compiled from source on my own Linux kernel, which has been specifically tailored to include the necessary drivers and for exactly 2 CPUs. Sound is not yet enabled. I feel that I may have accidently installed some things that I don't need anyway. Still, it feels good to be posting from here.

There is something validating about compiling my own kernel. I feel one step closer to being a true hacker.

Edit: sound now works! Though only as alsa, no pulseaudio yet.

Linux

2008-05-24T23:36:23Z

Ubuntu 8.04, the Hardy Heron, has been failing me. First, suspend is broken, and all my attempts to fix it fail. Second, Flash, one of the few things that actually is supposed to work in this release, plays extremely slowly in full screen mode. That and the fact that they don't seem to want to update Firefox from beta to release candidate, because Canonical never gets around to backports. Third, gnome has lost its ability to handle windows shares.

So I'm thinking of trying Gentoo again.

More Notes From Summer

2008-05-22T02:13:41Z

Started physics research today, and managed to get a spot of BPP 4B in my shirt today. That's a commercial dye, so it's not coming out. A memento, for the first day that I did actual physics.

I still don't feel completely comfortable mixing chemicals and tying the ends of dialysis bags. But data analysis and geometry seem to come naturally.

I am back to coding again and have written the basic framework for a program that will automatically sort files as soon as they are created, among other things. Now for the next challenge: getting rmvb files to play under linux.

Almost Alone

2008-05-21T00:54:47Z

For the first time in my life, I am without cafeterias, parents to cook or shop for me or anyone to tell me what I should and shouldn't do except for Peter Collings and his liquid crystal lab.

One of the first obstacles I hit is that I cannot cook. I don't even own the necessary tools. I went out yesterday to buy food; came back with 1/2 pound of pre-cooked chicken, a bag of mixed greens, 3 apples and a load of cereal. Made about 2 balanced meals before I realized that I had way more salad than chicken, and no variety. So today I buy a whole bunch of fruit/vegtables (need to make sure the micronutrients are in ample supply), some heatable chicken, lots of dairy, and 3 tuna cans. Well, I don't have a can-opener, and I don't know how to use a microwave. Anyone know if lexan is microwavable? I had an offer to use David's grill, but of course, I lack anything grillable.

The next thing I realize is how much I now require and actively seek human contact. In the past, I could make myself happy, (unsatisfied, but still happy) all alone with a good computer. That doesn't work anymore. On the other hand, I'm better at being with people. It's a trade, I see.

Tomorrow, I start work. Let's see how that goes.

All the evidence begins to suggest...

2008-05-18T04:21:33Z

I burned a bit this semester. I took on too much, was in lab too many times, did too many problem sets too late. I feel like shit and I'm insanely tired. I think I failed my physics 50 exam, and I did crummily on physics 14. I have a summer to figure everything out, to get it right for the next.

Summer Update

2008-05-16T17:55:49Z

1) I will be back in NYC for a few days this weekend, I think, mostly Sunday and the end of Saturday. I will be at Swarthmore again after that, for a period of several months.

2) I will again by in NYC from July 18-20 for The Last Hope, a hacker convention. I'd love to have company - admission is $75.

3) Finals are over. I think that I might have done horribly on physics 50. Physics 14 was not nearly as bad, though I'm pissed about a bunch of points I probably lost due to putting in a 1/i where there was none.

Boom or Bust?

2008-05-05T05:30:29Z

Reading Ender's Game for the first time. Writing a story about a place (?) called Psi Cluster, where people dream of our world and write their own physics. I've learned to write more carefully, considering which words are useless. "a bit", "to a certain extent", "sometimes", "something", "very", "really", just to name a few. I still use them sometimes. That last pun was accidental at first.

I watch my friends play music and think they are geniuses, talented with something I might have mastered had I only been raised differently, not missed my chance. That's my greatest fear right now - that I missed my chance to become a genius.

I don't believe that I have met many who are objectively just smarter than I am. I have met too many who are more effectual and confident than I am, and even when I have the answer, I don't always speak up.

I envy the punks, the pianists, the artists and the mathematicians. I can't help but feel that theater people are better at people, that I'm not really meant to be a mathematician either.

I feel that anxiety holds me back and makes me play with one hand. Repression prevents me from tapping into my true strength. I jump away before I'm in long enough to know whether I'm good.

This is not meant to be an angsty post. It was intended to be hopeful. Really.

120% Pure Awesome

2008-04-19T05:46:44Z

1) Dan Deacon. At Swarthmore. The music was awesome. There was a dance-off, and I think (though it was hard to hear) that I won. Then we formed a line of arches of people, which moved out the back of old club and looped around to the front. Dan Deacon played an instrument that appeared to be powered by a multicolored switchboard taped together, with a flashing, green skull above it. I met him afterward (handshake).

2) I am learning another capoeira/breakdance position, and it is awesome.

3) Quantum physics, computer hacking and all else that is perennially awesome.

P.S. Stage Combat

Ubuntu, Housing and Swarthmore

2008-04-18T05:28:21Z

Danton, my primary laptop, is now running the Hardy Heron in beta. I finally threw in the towel and downgraded to 32 bits, which means that I can now run flash in full screen mode and play myspace music but have to settle for EAX where I once had RAX. Also, no more fancy compile flags for specifying platform. There are definitely improvements in the new version, including a far superior Firefox 3, an IDE for Ocaml in the repos, and a much clearer GUI. It actually feels polished, like a Mac. One of the most interesting features is that large file copies and package management are designed to run in the background, with an icon in the status bar and good progress dialogs. I also managed, though this is probably unrelated to version, to get printer support working for the dorm printers.

As for housing, I'm blocked with Erik, Eric and Erin for the ML quad. Summer looks like it may actually have worked out, but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

I've been thinking recently that one of my problems might be getting too fixated on college. Given that I'm halfway through, I should be thinking about preparing for the outcome. Swat tends to have many alumni who hang around afterward, but I have too many plans to give any extra years to this place.

Housing

2008-04-16T23:59:53Z

So, as far as housing is concerned, summer is on a prayer that no one decides to pick into my room (the smallest double on Parrish 3rd). Please tell everyone that I smell.

As for the rest of the year, I have been offered a chance to block with Eric, Erin, Erik, and unofficially Beth. It's for ML 3d, the rooms with the tea pantry and lounge, currently occupied by Jeff, Alex, Laurie, etc. I would get Alex's current room, which, although smaller than the rest, is clearly not horrible.

I'm still considering this blocking plan. Of course, it hinges entirely on whether I will be able to avoid a penalty on my senior year lotto #.

Inclinations and Directionality

2008-04-14T04:48:56Z

Events are aplenty, but they are not quite coming into focus.

Quantum physics class has been going downhill; the textbook has gone from sometimes confusing to generally nonsensical (wtf is photon gas?), and the subject matter is now pushing into the territory of applying what seemingly meager understanding of the theory we have.

Yesterday I danced all day and night. Capoeira under the sun. Then contra for the evening. Then breakdancing as witching hour neared; the first time I've actually had a significant crowd form around me. I'm not very good at it, and I have about 2 moves, maybe 3.

Some friends of mine are forming a writing group, and I've tentatively joined, under the understanding that I'm not really a writer and not particularly well-read. I still have story ideas - rather complex notions of plot, emotion and humor - but still cannot eloquently express them in story. I seem to have some sort of structural intuition, like I can feel/see/hear how things work and happen, but then I can't always translate them - not that I mind this too much, since it's very useful in computer science especially.

Last week, I was considering Buddhist notions of emotion and thought. Such things intrigue me, because they address some of my major concerns. For example, the cold eye, freedom from the constant need to judge and evaluate everything one sees.

I don't exactly have a sense of focus now. I want to be brilliant, charismatic and maybe most of all safe. I don't feel like sleeping, so maybe I'll write, read or code.

More Stuff in Life

2008-04-04T04:13:26Z

I've been watching Full Metal Panic and am finally starting to get hooked. It takes some getting used to, because the dialog/plot isn't exactly awesome in the same way as Code Geass - it works better with recognition that FMP is more like a parody mech anime.

The beauty and the problem with things like this is that their world is based on different dimensions of difficulty. On the one hand, these action-anime worlds are full of near-death encounters and immediate crises. On the other hand, characters are capable of heroic acts, unrealistic stunts of awesomeness and comically happy resolutions to personal feelings.

So basically, while I'm not worried about sudden death by robots, I can't shake the feeling that I am so much lamer than these people. My worst fear is that I'll sit around being a non-heroic, non-awesome loser for about 80 years and then croak from heart disease.

Now I see the scientists, even the ones without giant robots, as heroic in their own way. But my worry isn't that I won't become a scientist, it's that I won't become a great one. I worry that I'll just end up like everybody else - silly and futile in life, dead and forgotten afterwards.

And I could go on for another 10 pages about why humans are silly and futile so often, but that's for later. Actually, I'm writing a story about that.

Miles to Go

2008-03-30T06:42:09Z

Firstly, contra used to give me problems, because there is a definite preference for one direction of rotation. Probably as a holdover from my OCD, this seems to manifest physically (mostly in my vision imbalance). I was able to correct this today by spinning the opposite direction at any opportunity, but it is interesting to note how strongly this still affects me. Sometimes I wonder how much of my lack of visual capacity is psychological.

Jealousy, wrath, an inability to let go. Things that I can sometimes load as fuel, sometimes overcome. I used to have so much trouble with this, but it's getting better.

Debauchery, lechery, celebration. It was interesting for a while, but by 1:00AM, the party turned into an ugly, smelly guilt trip.

Contra dancing was different. More skill, less knowledge. More social, less intimate. No sex, no guilt.

So is Bryn Mawr. Maybe it's the best of both worlds, but it's still quite possible to have a lame-ass night - just not at birthdays, apparently.

Sometimes I think that I lack the tenacity to carry things through, and this is what screws me.

Coming back from Sager, I contemplated my situation. I can't make up my mind, and I wonder if that makes me a bad lover.

In a way, it's almost comforting that I have such a long journey ahead of me. It is a big maybe, a maybe of greatness. I worry, though, that in my efforts to keep the big maybe alive, I am holding myself back from ever achieving. And every day that I hold back, I miss another set of opportunities.

Productivity Burns

2008-03-28T03:35:36Z

Efforts to eliminate waste. Rampages through diffeq. Finishing the week's homework by the end of Tuesday night. I decided this was the week to try these things, and it was almost fun at times. I got pretty burned out, though, and I'm dreading all of the things I've signed up to do this weekend.

Maybe I'll skip LAX again. Yes, it's the one thing that Swarthmore has about exactly what I want to do. On the other hand, the schedule looks watered down with political correctness.

I don't know why, but I get depressed and lonely right after I finish a large amount of work. This is lame, because I have an equally large amount of work to finish before Tuesday. Guess I should get on that now.

Regaining Control

2008-03-19T03:26:22Z

Currently, I strive to obtain some sort of balance, calm, centering and neutrality. Over the past few days, I've been accepted to 2 research positions and am having a hell of a time deciding between them. My best efforts have been to avoid stressing excessively over the decision, because I know that this leads to nothing helpful.

In terms of more obvious elements of schoolwork, I was rather glad to have gotten somewhat ahead over break. I sincerely hope that I can keep it this way. Being too far in the thick of it makes it so hard to see things holistically.

The really good news today is that I got another perfect score, this time on the physics 50 midterm. Phew.

Back in the Game

2008-03-18T04:22:56Z

Angry. Nervous. Lonely. Unsure. Insane. Distracted. Pressured.

This is how I often feel at Swarthmore, despite my best efforts to otherwise. Sometimes, it's like there's a nervous or aggressive energy inhabiting my being that I just can't get rid of. Sometimes I get myself into situations and positions that should never exist, and then I can't get my mind out of them afterwards. Sometimes, I wish that I could separate my friends into the people who I like hanging out with and those who mean well but drive me to insanity.

Yes, that's it. Some of my friends drive me insane. I know they don't mean to. They try to be helpful. If I could accept them as opponents, it would be reasonable, but I can't. And so there's an inconsistency when I feel that I am somehow allowing myself to be defeated by people I was never fighting.

And then there's work. It gets on top of me somehow. I can't let it if I really want this semester to be any fun at all. And yet I manage to lose efficiency.

I know the answer to this. Don't get sucked in. Detach, then focus energy. Don't get sucked in. I still can't remember that.

Maybe I need a cue. Like some kind of action I use to represent centering and neutrality, to remind myself, like a hook to pull myself out of a mental whirlpool. I think it's like an actor trying to regain center - become like still water again.